Over the break I found myself staring at my iPhone and marveling at how bland it was. I know that everyone’s always gushing about how sleek and beautiful their iPhones are, but I was kind of disgusted with it’s generic, corporate feel. Yuck. So I set off to fix the sucker.

You need a set of jewelers screwdrivers and tools, preferably ones that will take the screen apart without marring the finish. You take the case apart and set the screen aside and do a bunch of secret stuff to it. If it doesn’t take, you give it a sharp whack with a ball & peen hammer, just to knock a bit of sense into it. Show it who’s the boss around here, dang it.

Then you put it back together and voilà! You end up with a much cooler iPhone. Apple will void the warranty, but who cares? My warranty ran out decades ago.

Whoa! Look at all those cool new icons, man.

• My favorite new icon is the camera. Hey, I’m a photographer and don’t give a shit what anyone says, Hasselblad still rules all.
• The Stocks and Weather icons were made especially for 2012. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
• I’ll guarantee you that my maps are way more accurate than google’s dopey stuff. Made by none other than Scotty on the USS Enterprise.
• You can’t reach some of my contacts on a stinkin’ iPhone, you need way better Mojo than that.
• I’m not saying what happens when you push the “Larry McNeil” button. You’ll just have to find out for yourself.
• Some of my mail is delivered via the Raven Express and you definitely need good Mojo for that too. Reserve this one for important stuff.

I call this the Raven iPhone and now I feel like it’s mine and not some drone zone phone. Bottom’s up, man.

Story and Photos Copyright Larry McNeil, 2012. All Rights Reserved.